Wits and charms. 

I wonder if there’s an artist within her, who summons the best colours that fits her and in turn, enamors the eyes that see her.

I wonder if there’s a magician within her, who casts spells and magical powers to set a carapace for the fact that she is dark underneath and makes sure that she becharms the hearts that feel her.

I wonder if there’s ego within her, that makes her feel superior for she is the most loved, most eyed, most praised creation in the entire universe.

I wonder if she ever feels alone, though she is cosmic, though she is observed with keen caution and watchful prudence.

Tell me if my wonderings are in fact what everyone wonders about her.

For she, sweeps me off my feet, consoles me during my hard times, sets my belligerence aside and conveys the message that it’s not only us who perpetuate to live with the good and bad things, but it’s her who takes all the pain.

Tell me if she is the one who inspires you to live. Because for me, she does.

Tell me if she is the only witful and charming person you have ever met in your life and I will never give up on my life. Because she- she is everything I ever wanted. And now, I have a part of her and it’s all I will ever have.

-Tanya

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Giving up is not the answer. Loving yourself is.

What is giving up according to you?

Is it the need to kill yourself because you failed your chemistry test the fifth time or is it locking yourself in the room for weeks or months only because he betrayed your trust? Or is it something else?

Do you stop loving yourself when you give up or when you feel the need to give up? Oh no, wait. Huh. You never even tried to love YOURSELF. 

You wouldn’t have given up, if you cared about your life more than you cared about his love for you. 

You see, I know what love is. But more than loving your boyfriend or girlfriend, I know what loving yourself is. 

Are you thinking why I started talking about loving yourself all of a sudden? Lemme tell you. 

Its because loving yourself doesn’t make you give up. It’s the only way to not go in ‘that’ direction.

You know that it’s the hundredth time your heart is trying to stop pumping blood to all the organs of your body. It’s trying to get rid of you and the pain you’ve been causing it over and over again. And it’s all because you didn’t love yourself.

You didn’t love your body. 

Your own fucking self. 

You think that you are wasted. 

You think that your life is fucked up. 

You think that no one will love you ever again. 

You- YOU fucking gave up, gave up on your own self. 

But think about this. 

What if you loved your body? Your only heart? Your only, so called “fucked up mind”?

Its not his love that matters, my love. 

It’s the love you get from your family, friends and the people who admire you but aren’t brave enough to tell it to you. 

Because they’ve seen the cuts on your wrists. They’re afraid that if you do something that will hurt them or the vice versa, you wouldn’t only hurt yourself all over again but maybe you’ll ultimately give up on your life. 

So do this tiny favour for me.

No.

Do this favour for yourself and for your own body which is sustaining more pain that you alone are. 

Please. PLEASE. For the sake of Lord Almighty, LOVE YOURSELF. 

It’s not hard. 

You will definitely need time. 

Years, decades, centuries, whatever. 

But, please. Try. 

And I assure you, more than I have ever assured anything–Your body, most importantly, your heart which wants to let go of you, will accept this last chance you are asking for and it will love you back all together.

Love yourself first and the love you’ll want from anyone you love, be it him, will come to you.

Trust the time, trust your heart, trust yourself. 

But, NEVER. NEVER GIVE UP. 

-T

Till Death Do Us Part. 

I never knew that things like parks, so serene, so lovable, so full of people walking around would be my most favourite place to visit.

How can I get it out of my mind? 

How can I forget that face looking at me, finding my flaws, noticing every emotion, every expressions and the things he could see that I couldn’t. 

How can I ever forget that even a second of silence which fell between us made me flinch, made me say something or the other even if it was a silly question or a silly joke? 

Every minute spent that day keeps coming back to me. It hurts that I can’t live that moment once again. It’s a new nightmare. And, it scares me more than any other nightmare I have ever come across. 

Leaving him behind after the end of the day was, I think, most hurtful than ever. A feeling of sadness that no word can explain. 

It’s not love. 

Not a crush.

Just a really deep deep deep friendship. 

The one which can never be forgotten.

The one which I will never forget.

Ever. 

©chaoswithin24

Just then, she was free.

Anxiety took all the happiness away from her. She basically built a wall around her so that she wouldn’t have to suffer from any more grievances. 

One day. 

Just one day with the boy who cared about her, changed her mindset about the life she was living. 

And just then, she was free. 

Escaping loneliness. 

I wonder if feeling lonely or seeing the need to be lonely is something that withdraws us from what’s happening around. It’s not necessary a thing seen in introverts. Others feel lonely too. And, that’s what I like to believe. It’s a forever kinda thing for me. It’s a hidden suffering, which gets caught with all the schedule planned for the day. It’s anxiety they say. But I don’t like believing that– though a part of me wants to.  And, that’s because I am good with people, I have good conversations with them. Atleast I try to. It’s nice to talk to them and share each other’s humourous sides.  

People with anxiety often don’t like talking to people. A part of them is caged. They are prisoners in their own body. They make no plans. Books, music, art, and other things are all they can rely on. When friends make plans, it’s always a NO. Isn’t it? 

Unlike me. Call me for a trip to Europe. I ll pack my bag before a month. A year. Plan a movie on a weekend, I ll book the tickets beforehand. Do anything and I ll make sure I ll be ready earlier than I have to be. 

Just do me a favour. Stop calling the loneliness I feel as anxiety. It’s a bold word for the type of loneliness I feel. It’s extremely different. Just, please, help me keep up the loneliness aside. And, I promise you that it’ll slowly lose its effect on me. I assure you that more than I ever can. 

Craving the freedom. 

Anxiety is the worst thing one can ever go through. 

It makes us care too much, love too much, feel too much and think too much for all the people we love dearly. 

And, the worst part is, we always think about all the “what if” scenarios which are often the most chaotic ones. 

We ruin things even before starting it. Like, loving, talking, fighting, etc etc. 

We think that every talk ends up with us bragging about it. 

We see the dark side of everything before thinking about the situation in hand.

The thought of losing someone or something just after we meet them, always disturbs us. And, my god, it’s annoying. You can’t even imagine about the things it makes us think or the limits it makes us reach(which is often ending one’s life) *laughs*

I do these things all the time, I don’t know about the others. We apologise for every fucking thing. For complementing too much, for talking too much, for appreciating the things left unappreciated, for disappointing someone and the best thing, apologising for apologising *lol*. We apologies for things which we don’t have to apologise for. Or should we?

Yes, we overanalyze everything. Like, every fucking thing. Yes, we doubt oneself over and over again. 

But, no, we aren’t overly sensitive. That’s a whole different thing. 

It’s just that we give a damn about everything.  A lot. Even if it’s simple or not. We are just extremely careful. 

We just need to face the world, face the people in it. We need to think about the bright side, not the dark one. And, more importantly someone to whom we can talk about such things. 

It’s gonna take some time. But, the results will always end up brilliantly. 

And then, we will be free. 

Life and Love. 

Death comes with life,

Life comes with death. 

Just like that, 

Love comes with hate

And hate comes with love. 

Be ready,

Here comes life. 

—Tanya. 

Embrace the chaos. 

Why do you think being cheerful is better than being chaotic?

Do you think it will help you to live a better life?

If you are a human with a more cheerful life than a chaotic one, you are either living a wrong one or you are definitely hiding it with all your might. But why, may I ask? If you want to live completely, remember that chaos is a part of your life. Without it -without the agony caused by chaos- you are living the wrong life, darling. Take all of it in. Experience it. Live it and love it. I assure you, you will love your life more than ever before.

After all we only rise when the chaos which dwells within, burns  completely to let you rise like a phoenix and resurrect.

-a confession of a chaotic mind.

-Tanya

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